Full Term Blues

Hey kids. 37 weeks have come and almost gone and everything is about to change. It's crazy how throughout this whole pregnancy I've felt like everyday I've changed. New weight has been added to my shoulders with the sobering thought that this tiny human depends on me. Although I am anxious to meet this miraculous human being who has been a part of me for almost 9 months, I have found myself occasionally mourning all the selfish things I'll be losing.

I've really valued my independence knowing that it will soon be lost. I remember when I got married I didn't realize how much of it I would be giving up. It was a rough transition for me having to answer to another person. Once I got over it though, I really appreciated that Ryan cared so much about my safety or where I was.

Speaking of Ryan,

I've absolutely loved the time we've been able to spend together. We've had so many good talks and hilarious fun these past 37 weeks. 

Here we are looking fat and sassy at Apple Hill. Mostly me anyways :) 

Here's the saddest pumpkin patch I've ever seen. Also at Apple Hill.

There have, of course, been tough times but looking back I will always remember these times fondly. He's been so excited about being a dad. It's like I'm seeing a whole different side of him.

Penny has been my buddy, as usual, during the whole pregnancy. 

Hanging out with me during the nausea, walking slow with me on our walks. She's just the best dog. I wish I could give her a heads up somehow about the baby. I don't plan on ignoring her, but there will be a transition period that she'll have to get used to.

I fear a lot in life. The number one thing I hate about myself is that I let it drive me a lot more than anything else. Maybe my fight or flight instinct is just stronger than others because often times I'll find myself feeling like a deer caught in the middle of the road. Despite the idea that my fear drives me, I will give myself props for determination. I fail, I own it, and I can try again. Even if I fear failure I try not to think of it as the end (the key word being try). Even through my whole journey to become a healthier person there have been struggles. Those times have been enormously hard for me to admit to you guys, especially since I know it deters people from reading, but I admit them anyways. Everyone understands set backs or perceived failures. Why wouldn't I admit to it? It's common and relatable.

I think even harder than admitting I've failed at my fitness and health goals, it's been even harder for me to admit how terrified I am of being a parent. I believe a lot of other people feel this way but for some reason we shove it aside or ignore it like it doesn't affect us. This has been on my mind every second of every day as my delivery date gets closer. What if I fail? What if I don't bond with my baby? What if I hate being a mother? What does that say about me?

There have been many nights that all my prayers consist of is, "Please, Lord, help because I don't even know where to begin."

I still fear. But I've realized that, yes, all of those things could happen. There could be days I really hate being a mother. There could be days I seriously FAIL at being a parent. There is even a chance that bonding with my baby could take a while. So what DOES that say about me?

It says I'm normal. One thing I know about myself, like I said earlier, is that I am persistent and determined. I allow myself times of sorrow or grief but I am great at picking myself back up. I may have bloody knees but I'll cross the finish line. For those of you who know my personal struggles well, you know that even some of the hardest punches haven't kept me down. I am entirely capable of handling the hard times. I think the biggest joy I've received from this blog is connecting with others through these hard times. I hope somehow, some other new mom out there can read this and realize that she's not alone in feeling this way. In a lot of ways I say this to myself, but to all of you new parents, or even someone just struggling with a huge transition in their lives, trust in the Lord. And trust that the Lord knows you're capable. Sometimes knowing that the Lord believes in me as much as I believe in him is more comforting to me than just saying that 'I have faith that this will work out'.

Now that I've completely split my soul open and prostrated it on the Internet, let me also say that I AM excited for baby to come. We decided to name her Elliana Faire Powell. Faire is Ryan's grandma's name but the name Elliana also has an interesting story. Ryan and I saw an artist on Pandora who had the name and we both agreed we liked it. Later, I mentioned the name to Ryan's mom, Cindy, who told me that if she had ever had a girl that was what she was going to name her. Crazy, right? Elliana was meant to be in the family. My favorite discovery was looking up the name meaning. The name Elliana translated in Hebrew literally means, "My God has answered me." Every time I read that I cry. I wish you all could understand how true that comment is. I probably don't even realize myself how much of an answer to prayer this little girl
will be. Without even knowing it, we named her perfectly.

Alright, alright. Now on to less emotional updates. You guys ready?

Week 36-37

Weight Gain: 28 lbs give or take. I'm pretty proud and I'm definitely ready to not have a belly any more. I genuinely feel excited about losing weight. I was on such a roll before I got preggers so I'm hoping to pick up right where I left off. Pray that breastfeeding goes smoothly, not just for baby, but for all MY selfish reasons :) I know it helps with getting everything back to its proper position soooo...fingers crossed!

Cravings: Two days ago after having three slices of french toast I was super craving In 'N Out. It was way too much food but that's okay. It was DELICIOUS. I've also had really strong cravings for Starbucks hot chocolate which I've only satiated twice so far. Other than those two everything is pretty normal.

Progress: Now that I'm full term or to term or whatever we're supposed to say these days, I'll be talking about my progress instead of 'symtpoms'. I went to the doctors office this Tuesday and found out I'm 1 cm dilated and 30% effaced. Ryan is POSITIVE she's coming this weekend but I still feel like she's got plenty of time to cook. Really, this kind of progress means nothing unless your water breaks or you're having consistent contractions and I haven't had either of those happen yet. I have had an increase in Braxton hicks which, weirdly, I'm grateful for because I haven't had a whole lot before this. Baby has also dropped which is great for my lungs and killer for my pelvis. Sometimes it feels as if she's trying to push her way out of me already. I'll feel all this pressure moving downwards like all my innards are going to just drop out. It's a very unnerving feeling. In addition to that she's been hitting a nerve somewhere that sends this super scary shooting sensation up my stomach. At first I thought it was my ab muscles splitting or something but after talking to my doctor, she informed me that if my abs were actually splitting that I would be in a LOT more pain. I felt pretty dumb after that for thinking it was my abs. I even told a bunch of people it was my abs splitting. So if I told you that...it was a big fat lie. Ha. Oops!

Emotionally: I feel all over the place. Lots of good feelings. Lots of scary feelings. Right now I'm just going to take it a day at a time and try to enjoy.

Thanks to everyone that shared their birth stories by the way. It was such a joy reading all of your experiences. Also, if anyone else wants to send me some last minute birth stories I would super appreciate it. I'm eating them up right now so send them my way! If you need my email refer to my last blog post :)

Learning Lessons

I must warn you that this blog might be a little emotional. We must have hopped on a crazy train somewhere these past couple weeks because it’s been just that. A crazy train...

First off, I think I need to apologize. I tend to over share and I’ve started to see how that tends to make people a little uncomfortable, including my husband. So for the future I’ll be dialing things down on our personal/financial life. As far as how I feel about things, I’ll probably keep that just as raw and honest as usual. I’m not one to lie about the state of my life and pretend that everything is sunshine and daisies when it’s not. Not that I’m not grateful for what I have, I just tend to see life more realistically. I’ve been called negative numerous times but I tend to think of it as seeing things as they are. You’re welcome to think I’m a Debby Downer or you can appreciate my honesty for what it is, which is a genuine desire to connect with other people through my blog. I like to know I’m not alone so I hope my experiences and feelings can put others at ease.

Moving on, I just want to point out that I’m 35 weeks pregnant. Insanity. That means that within the next month or so, the crazy people at the hospital are going to allow me to leave with an infant. What? You sure? I mean, this is a tiny person who like, needs constant care and stuff. Me? Really? Oookay, crazy.

All kidding aside, I’ve really started to get excited. Up until now I’ve been incredibly stressed, writing my birth plan, washing clothes, getting last minute items. It doesn’t seem like a lot that I’ve got to do, but it’s more of an emotional strain thinking that I’ll be unprepared for baby somehow. I feel pretty confident that we have everything we need and that I’ve prepared everyway I can. Now all that’s left is leaving it up to God and hoping things go smoothly. (By the way, if you'd like to read my birth plan, make sure and check it out here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1MwE1mtCXifdAgn7KxWHx832cKc51hDy1aVdqsQS_BXE/edit?usp=sharing )

I keep getting this nagging feeling that she’s going to come early but the likelihood is so slim. A lot of the ladies I know who went into labor before their due date had had a lot more progression than I have had. For example, I’ve had barely any Braxton hicks contractions and I’m not even really sure she’s completely dropped. Whether my feeling is intuition or wishful thinking, only time will tell. I’m of the opinion that she can come when she’s done cooking. That might be two weeks early or even two weeks late, whenever baby is ready is when I will be ready.

Now, I didn’t always feel this way, but really, my third trimester has not been that ultra super duper uncomfortable. Yes, I’m massive. Yes, I wake up seven million times a night. Yes, I’ve had occasional back pain. Overall? I feel pretty good. I believe it has everything to do with appreciating how much better the other two trimester’s are over the first trimester. And if I’m completely honest, I’ve had a pretty good pregnancy. I’ve had a healthy baby, minimal throw ups (I mean, I’ve been able to work my whole pregnancy), and each problem I’ve encountered I’ve been able to either overcome, or get used to. I know some women have it SOO much harder, so I genuinely feel lucky. Also, I think it’s harder on women who have been skinny their whole lives. I’m used to carrying around extra weight so it doesn’t bother me as much. Perks of being a fatty? Meh. I do have to admit though, that I am excited to get my body back. I love feeling baby move and sharing that bond, but sometimes I would JUST like to smoke a pack, or get TOTALLY hammered, you know?

Kidding.

In other news, I had my baby shower out here. It was hilarious fun, with teriffic food, and we made out like bandits! We got tons of what we needed plus a couple of unexpected gifts like a super awesome swing and the expensive travel system we've had our eyes on for months. I was so floored by how generous people were. We got SO MUCH! Here are some pictures:

 

 

Me getting the swing. Our stroller'n'carseat combo is the giant box next to me!

 

My two favorite dresses.

 

Crazy amount of blankies

 

Toys!

 

All of the newborn to 3 month clothes. What?! And sleepy Ryan :)

Anyway, I have a more serious topic to address. I got an incredibly loving card from someone a few days ago with no return address and no name. Upon reading the card, I fell into tears. I kind of don’t want to share it on here because of how special it was but I do want to thank my anonymous friend. In addition to the touching words, they also sent $103 dollars that they won through a radio competition. I know this person probably needed that money just as much as we did so it really humbled me to the core. I’m not a very giving person. I tend to not think outside the needs of myself and my family, which isn’t the worst way to live, but this person was such a good example to me of having the love of Christ for others. So, thank you, whoever you are. You gave me a much greater gift than just the money you sent. Ryan and I are both so grateful and have both decided to be more giving, especially during hard times. It will take practice but we are so grateful for good examples like you.

So I thought I’d end with a little bit of my normal pregnancy update stuff. I don’t have a picture for 35 weeks but here’s one for 34:

Week: 34-35

Total Weight Gain: 27 lbs. My goal was 25-30 so I’m not too bummed about it. Also, I’ve kind of reached a Zen about my weight. For a long time I felt all this shame about my body and then it just disappeared. All I can do is eat healthy and exercise. Sometimes I don’t eat healthy. For example, sometimes all I eat all day is chocolate chip pumpkin bread. So sue me. I’ve been walking nearly every day for about three weeks now so I feel pretty good. And really, I can’t do anything about my weight right now. I can’t LOSE weight, so I’m just going to accept it.

Cravings: TACO SOUP. Once again though I’m not so sure it’s a craving as much as it’s just the yummiest soup on the planet. It’s just so warm and flavorful. Slap some cheese in there and it’s just the yummiest of all yummy. I’m pretty sure that I single handedly took out the last batch. Ate most of it myself. SO. WORTH. EVERY. BITE. And it’s worth the heartburn because I most definitely throw a little tapatios in my soup to spice it up a bit. I’m really making sure this baby feels her 1/8^th Mexican that she’s getting from her daddy J

Major Symptoms: I think the biggest things I deal with is either the weird insomnia or the crazy fatigue. They of course follow one after the other, the insomnia usually starting the fun. A new thing I’ve had is pelvic pain which I’ve heard is a sign that your baby has dropped, but I don’t think she’s dropped a massive amount. Is that possible? To only drop a little? Am I crazy?

Emotionally: I feel drained but super crazy blessed. I feel a lot more excitement and a surprising amount of confidence!

P.S. Also, I just found out that another of my sisters is expecting! Whaaaa? That means three of us right now are pregnant! That also means 14 grandkids for my lucky parents! So far one sister is having a boy and we’re still waiting to know on baby number three. Talk about crazy! Anyway, as a small request, can I ask that all of you keep Ryan, baby and me in your prayers? We’re going to need it as we finally reach these last weeks and I just know that of all the things I’ve tried to calm myself, prayer is the most effective. In return I’ll pray for all of you! See? That’s a fair trade!

One last thing, I’d love to hear your labor and delivery stories. I know quite a few of you have blogs or maybe you’ve written them down somewhere. Either way, I’d love it if you could either post a link below or email me your experience if you get a chance. I need all the wisdom and help I can get from you veterans out there. My email is salworkman@gmail.com if you don’t already have it.

The Weeks Fly By

It’s been so hard to find time to update my blog lately. A lot of it is definitely laziness but I’m going to call it pregnancy fatigue because it sounds like I have a good excuse. So sorry I haven’t updated in a while I’ve just been soooo fatigued! Growing a baby is NOT easy, let me tell you.

Legitimately things have been a little stressful these past few weeks. I was sick for so long with that horrible cough so we’ve been playing catch up with our finances. Never fun. In addition to that we got another blow from my work about maternity leave. In short? They owe me absolutely nothing. No California law applies to them because they employ under 50 employees so I have no job security, and really no maternity leave to speak of. They said after a few months go by I can call and see if they ‘have something available’. Whatever. Honestly, it was incredibly stressful in the moment and now I could care less. It has never been my DREAM to be an undervalued secretary at a nothing job so I’m considering it a blessing no matter what hit our finances might take.

Anyway, we’ll work it out, I know we will. I just hate that we’re not more prepared for a kid. And before you say “No one is really prepared!” stop yourself. That is the least comforting thing you can tell me. Learning that everyone else sucks as bad as me is not soothing.

Anyway, the Air Force thing is still moving along. It’s moving slowly, but moving along just the same. I’ll give more info when things pick up.

In baby news, I’m working on my master plan. My birth plan that is. I’ve been so stressed out about labor and the delivery that I’ve just been researching the hell out of everything I can get my hands on. I have always had a general mistrust of doctors for several reasons so I just feel like as long as I have a general guideline of what I could possibly encounter I’ll feel much better about things. And don’t get me wrong, not all doctors are the worst. I know they have knowledge and training that I can’t even begin to understand but that doesn’t mean that the final decision about things they do shouldn’t fall into my hands. I feel very strongly about being informed and have even been told by several people to stop researching because it will only cause me stress. I would rather know, than not know, so the researching isn’t going to stop. And as a result, the stress probably won’t either. It's a risk I’m willing to take. Luckily, I was able to sit down with my doctor and discuss what I can expect from her during delivery and I felt so much better. She agreed with me a hundred percent on things I wanted to do and made me feel really at ease. I never once felt like she was going to focus on anything else but the safety of my baby and myself. I’m still going to whip out a detailed birth plan though. You never know who is going to be on call when you end up delivering. Which, really, how pointless is that? You go through your whole pregnancy with this one doctor and when game time finally arrives you’re thrown in with a complete stranger. I get they can’t be there for everything but seriously, what a pile of crap. Anyway, once I get my birth plan all sorted out I’ll post it on here for you guys and who knows, it could be really helpful to someone.

Other than my sleepless, stressed out nights worrying about labor, third trimester hasn’t been too bad. First trimester was still the worst in my opinion. I’ve been blessed to not have a whole lot of heartburn or an enormous amount of swelling. I think the worst thing I’ve dealt with has been my back pain and even that comes and goes. I did have a bout of nausea during my 30^th week which made me so terrified that it was back for FOREVER. Thankfully, it subsided and I’ve come to learn that a lot of these symptoms come and go so I’m trying not to worry about it too much. I feel bigger and bigger each week and even though it’s taxing, I’m ok with baby taking all the time she needs. I am anxious to see her and terrified all at the same time. I still don’t feel ready to be a mom. Maybe I’ve fooled myself into thinking that I need to have it all together before I can raise a child but I just feel like I’m cheating her out of having the best version of myself that I can offer. Sometimes I regret getting pregnant which is a really hard thing to admit but I don’t blame my baby at all. It’s not her fault. There’s nothing to resent her for. But I do feel a lot of fear and a lot of inadequacy that I won’t be everything she needs. Maybe I won’t be. I guess that’s why there are two of us. The nice thing about Ryan and I is that we do have a lot of attributes that compliment one another. Hopefully together, we can be everything she needs.

I hope that wasn’t too honest. I have a tendency to just word vomit all over the place and then I get confused when people are uncomfortable. It’s how I make all my friends. Oh…wait…

Despite all my worries I do have a couple of awesome things to look forward to this month:

First off, the nursery is nearly complete. We’re still sorting through things but its SOOO close. I just need to box a couple more things and put up some shelves or something. I guess I need to decorate as well but that’s the last thing on my mind. My baby isn’t going to care either way and I really don’t need to be worrying about what ‘cute’ things to put on the wall. Seriously, it’s the very last thing on my to do list.

Second, I’ve got another shower next week! I feel so loved and so lucky. I can be a difficult person to befriend so I feel really fortunate to have people here who can overlook that flaw. So Cindy, Kristina, and Amy, thank you so much! I couldn’t be more excited. You guys are the best.

Third, the end of September is near and that means HALLOWEEN! YAY! I have this adorable countdown that my mom sent me and it’s already on my desk, along with this awesome ghost pal. 

I’m so excited for pumpkin carving and Halloween sugar cookies and the crisp air and creepy movies and, and, and…*sigh*…I’m so excited.

So I’ll just close with a quick pregnancy update and a couple photos including one of my main girl, Penny. 

I’ve been trying to walk more since I got over my cough and she’s been my buddy on each outing. She’s trying to be patient with me and my slower pace but we still enjoy one another quite a bit on those walks. She’s been such a comfort during this pregnancy and I’m so happy she’s going to be a part of my baby girl’s life. Speaking of pets:

We had to get rid of our kitty, Calico. We kept her safe during the healing process of her leg and I grew super attached. Unfortunately, I’m totally allergic. The more she has been in our house the worse my allergies got. We had the same problem with our first kitty but I have such a hard time not loving these cute cats. 

Anyway, she’s probably so much happier now because we found her a great home! Ryan’s brother and his girlfriend have taken her in. They renamed her Maisy which fits SO perfectly and she has two new kitty friends. You really can’t help but love her. She’s so snuggly and just beyond sweet. It was hard to see her go but I’m so glad she’s got new people to love her.

Okay, so as promised it’s the end.

Week: 32

Total Weight Gain: 22 lbs. Not bad.

Cravings: I kind of crave things based on what I see. I’m super susceptible to food persuasion. If I see it, I want it. Sometimes I’ll think of certain foods and lose my mind with how much I want to eat them. Like calzones. Where the crap do I buy a calzone? And it sounds soooo good! Or Life cereal. Or Twix! As a result I’ve made a lot of really yummy recipes that are healthy so I don’t kill myself on the not so healthy cravings. For example, I’ve made a delicious vegetable minestrone soup and a taco soup. So delicious and generally pretty healthy. For both of those recipes visit: ourbestbites.com

Major Symptoms: I’ve talked about the biggest one which is my back pain. A lot of the poop issues I was having have disappeared since I started eating a little better and exercising which is a relief.

Emotion: I’m stressed with a dash of excitement. I think most my blog covered this area anyway.

P.S. look how cute Ryan and I are. I already posted this on Facebook but I just had to post it on here. If all our kids can look as cute as Ryan I think we'll be good to go :) 

 

Third Trimester Already?

It's crazy to think that in February my baby was nothing but an itty bitty peanut and now she has eyelashes, practices breathing, and apparently she dreams! My phone app is letting me know as well that if she were to come now she'd have a great chance of survival. Of course, I'm hoping she'll be done cooking closer to her due date, but it's still a comforting thought.

So I've wanted to post earlier but I've been sick this past week so it hasn't been easy. I took some time off work to re cooperate but I still feel super sick. Unfortunately, I really needed to get back to work so I'm sticking it out for now. Really though, do sick germs get mad with power when you're pregnant? I feel like this one has taken its time getting through my system. Maybe I just haven't been sick in a while but it feels like this bug really gave me a beating. Good thing is, I'm back on my feet (somewhat) for now and looking forward to better sleep each night. One thing about being sick is that it makes you feel grateful for the times you're NOT sick. Speaking of being sick:

EVERYONE IS PREGNANT. For serious though. I just had seven million people (because I have that many friends) announce pregnancies over the past couple days. A lot of people are almost as far along as I am, some just starting the crappy first trimester journey. It's crazy! My coworker? He and his wife are on their sixth baby. Six babies! I mean, I'm the youngest of seven, but now that I'm about to have my own I can't imagine how my mom did this seven times. Seriously, guys, she's a rock star....without the drugs and alcohol. I will say though, it's a pretty exciting time with all these babies sprouting up everywhere. I have been genuinely happy for everyone expecting. It kind of feels like a support group, you know? It's nice.

So other than being sick we went to the lake last Saturday with our neighbors and our new friend Carol which was a blast. Penny made some new friends as you can see from the pictures. She absolutely loved the dog pictured on the bottom on the far right.

His name is Mowgli and they have the same amount of crazy so they pretty much chased one another around all afternoon. She LOVES the water and is actually swimming pretty far which makes me so happy. Turns out, she could pull me back to shore which is something I'll definitely want to train more. It could be a life saving talent for our kids or even for us if something happened. 

Speaking of Penny and kids, do you guys have any advice for introducing a dog to a newborn? Penny is a HUGE part of our family so we want to make sure we do things right. I mean, she's a fantastic dog and I think she will be fine, but I feel like everyone makes a big deal about a dog meeting a newborn for the first time. I'm not even sure what things I should be worried about. I mean, my dog isn't going to devour our child. She's great with cats and male dogs (some females she doesn't like). She's also fairly good with my neighbors kids but she's never really been around a baby. Her biggest problem is that she tends to bulldoze over people so I've always been cautious with her when she's around kids or elderly because when she gets excited she could plow someone over which is NOT okay. But I guess I just don't know what kinds of things I should prepare for, you know? Any advice you guys have would be great, really. We have a trainer we plan on going to for advice as well but I'd love any feedback you guys can offer.

Oh, I almost forgot! While we were at the lake I took a break from the boat because my tailbone was killing me and stayed on shore to watch my neighbors cute 4 month old baby girl. She had just eaten and after they left she started getting fussy. I picked her up and couldn't figure out how to help. I was just about to call them back from the lake when I realized, "Hey, she just ate. She probably needs to be burped!" The minute I started patting her back she calmed right down. I can't even tell you how damn proud I was of myself. I have zero experience with babies so this whole 'you're going to be a mom' thing has really been weighing on me. Hanging out with Abbie super boosted my self confidence. Even if my baby is crying, I'll figure it out. Not only that, but I have SO many people with experience I can call. Anyway, it was a really good experience for me. 

So to end things here's my summary for the 27th and 28th week: 

(Don't you love how I never clean up when I take these pictures? Also I'm pretty sure I've worn this exact outfit in another pregnancy pic. I'm so good at blogging).

Total weight gain: 17 lbs

Cravings for this week: SWEETS. Big Hunks and orange juice really. I think the sweets craving was mostly a comfort things cause I was sick and less of a pregnancy thing.

Major symptoms: Remember how last week I said I had dry skin? Well for some reason I feel like all the moisture has been sucked out of my LIFE. My nose is constantly bloody and it's made my sickness so weird. I mean, it could be a sick thing but I'm not sure. Also, it could be the weather. Either way, I've been like a star fish in the sun.

Products used: This is a stupid category. I'm not sure why I started it. Or why I'm not just deleting it.

Emotions: Sick. Can sick be an emotion? Sometimes it seems like a sickness takes over until you can get your head out of the fog and remember what the real world feels like.

Second Trimester Time

So as you can see, I've switched things up...again. I figured the old title of this blog was super confusing so I decided to keep it simple. If I get creative I'll probably change it again, who knows. If you've been a reader for this long then you're probably used to the constant changes I've put this blog through. What can I say. I'm never satisfied.

Anyway, a lot of time has passed since I last posted. A lot has changed! Mostly my belly. Oh and we're having a GIRL! Which, I was sooo convinced we were having a boy. Shows you what I know. Either way, we're very happy. Oo, also, my nausea has mostly gone away. I have days where I'll feel a bit off, but it's nothing compared to what first trimester was like. Speaking of first trimester, I have advice for newly pregnant ladies:

There is literally nothing to help you. Legitimately. There is no trick, no tip I could give you that will give you the relief you desire. My only helpful advice is to go to the doctor and get some nausea medicine. I hate that there isn't something more that this world can offer for pregnancy sickness but that is the sad awful truth of it all. I mean, I tried those lame preggie pops, the sea sickness bands, and ginger in all its forms. There really is nothing that eased anything nearly as well as pills. And I really did not have it that bad. For those of you that suffered through months of throwing up to the point of hospitalization, I have SUCH deep sympathy for you ladies. Really though. The only other advice I could scrounge up is to really enlist your husbands help. This is no time to stick to a 'traditional' arrangement in my opinion. If he hasn't already picked up the slack then it's time to have a chat. Throw up on his side of the bed to let him know you're serious.

Just kidding.

So, yeah, second trimester. Good times for the most part. I've already forgotten what it's like to not have a belly and when I dream, I'm pregnant. There are SO many weird pregnancy symptoms that pregnant women NEVER tell you. Either that or they repress them. But I'll just give you a quick list for my non-pregnant friends. Disclaimer: every pregnancy is, of course, going to be different so this is mostly just my experience. This is also stuff that I personally never knew was a pregnancy thing so don't judge me for being uninformed.

1- My number ONE most annoying and embarrassing pregnancy symptom that NOBODY EVER mentioned is hemorrhoids. Not everyone gets them, but if you can't ever poop like me then you're in luck. Hemorrhoids GALORE. Okay, it's not that bad. But I can't tell you how incredibly unsexy I felt the minute I discovered them. There has been A LOT of reevaluating my self esteem, over and over again. I can still be beautiful despite the fact that this pregnancy is giving me hemorrhoids. Not only that, but my pregnancy app states, "most hemorrhoids disappear after pregnancy." I'm sorry...most hemorrhoids? MOST?! How come not all? What it SHOULD say is, "After pregnancy your body is restored to it's former glory and then some." Nope. Screwed.

2- Heartburn. It hasn't been that bad lately but before I was pregnant I never knew this was a pregnancy thing. When it was worse, I was popping tums like crazy, which for some reason made me feel really old. I mean, I already have to grunt when I get out of a chair, but now I've got to take tums every two seconds. Might as well throw in a glass of Metamucil. Oh, that's right, TOO LATE!

3- Tailbone pain. I sort of expected back pain when I became pregnant but I don't think I anticipated tailbone pain to be so awful. Sitting down, getting up. I have to take a couple of deep breaths before doing either. And walking, which is supposed to relieve the pain does nothing of the sort. And if it's not my tailbone hurting it's my sciatica. Pregnancy breaks your body my friends. It throws it in a grinder and spits it back out.

4- Restless leg syndrome. I know not everyone gets this but I totally did and it was weird. Every night when I would get in bed and relax it was like my legs were in an invisible race I knew nothing about. I don't have it as much any more but it will pop up every once in awhile when I'm really tired.

5- Leg cramps. Who decided this was a good idea? Or fair? Or even logical? What kind of sense does it make for my legs to randomly decide to cramp at 3 AM? I jolted awake in a panic and grabbed my leg in agony. Ryan was sure the apocalypse was on its way.

I know there are more symptoms that I didn't expect but I'll post those later. For now, I want to focus on happier things. For those of you not up to date with belly pictures I've combined a bunch up to now to give you a little sample.

In some of the pictures I look more pregnant in the one before than the one after but whatever. I don't know whats going on with my body. And my 10 weeks definitely looks like one of those pictures I have mocked in my previous blog posts but whatever. I needed something to represent first trimester.

Other than looking bigger on the outside, baby is doing really well on the inside. She has all her vital parts and everything is measuring great. She has a strong heartbeat and moves like crazy all the time! Tomorrow we have another doctor's appointment so we'll find out if everything is STILL okay, but I feel like she'll be just fine. In fact, here's the best ultrasound of her that we have, thus far.

Isn't she so cute?! Gosh, I love that little profile.

In other news, Ryan and I went to St. George at the beginning of July and it was amazing. I got to see my family and some friends. My mom threw me an awesome baby shower that had a pretty good turn out considering I haven't lived there in years. We got a ton of great stuff that I'll have to take pictures of later. I should have taken more pictures of the shower but I totally spaced it. My sister snapped a few but I look ginormous in like, all of them so no soup for you.

I really felt so loved at that shower though. Thank you to everyone that showed up or sent a card. It made such a difference and it made me feel like I was at least going to have some basics for my sweet baby girl. I've really been struggling with the idea that we can't offer her a lot because of our financial situation. I mean, we're doing okay. But it hasn't been easy lately. Ryan was working at BabysRus for awhile but they couldn't give him a full time position because they didn't want to offer him benefits (thank you Obama). Besides that, even if he was working full time it was like crap dollars an hour. He still wants to join the Airforce but because of the sequester (again, THANKS OBAMA) all their offices except for one are closed down and there is a waiting list to even sign up. Things have definitely been challenging wondering how we are going to have a baby with noooot that much money.

But, things started looking up. Ryan just got a job as a morticians assistant for good pay and the promise of maybe getting even better pay while we wait for the Airforce to free up. It sounds like a super creepy job but Ryan is amazing. He can literally do anything thrown his way so I'm not worried about him losing his breakfast over it. A lot of the stories he comes home with are incredibly fascinating. I had no idea how much went into preparing a body. Not only that, but you can really take pride in doing something like that in my opinion. You're making sure the family gets to remember their loved one in the best way possible. Rough job, but an important one.

Aside from all the financial struggles, we've been doing our best to spend time together and have some fun. Our alone time with one another and Penny is limited so we've been spending some time at the lake when we get a chance. Penny has become quite the swimmer! She splashes in every time I duck my head under the water. I'm not sure if it's because she thinks I'm drowning or what, but she can't seem to let me swim by myself.

I love it though. She's the funnest dog a girl could ask for.

Since we found out the gender, it's all a waiting game now. I hate it. It's weird how the first trimester flew by even though I always felt sick. Now that I feel better it seems to crawl at an agonizingly slow rate. I shouldn't complain really. Once baby gets here everything changes but I still can't help but feel anxious to meet her. How could I not be?

Anyway, I hope I can continue to keep updating this blog and not be too lazy or tired. I've made a secret goal to update you guys every week till the end so I guess I'll see you next week. I can't decide how to format this but I've decided to put together some silly facts at the end about how pregnancy is going week by week so here you go:

Week: 26

Total weight gain: 15 lbs

Cravings for this week: Potatoes, milk

Major symptoms: Tail bone pain, fatigue. My skin has also been super dry. It's usually normal but something about pregnancy just dries me up.

Products used: Palmer's stretch mark oil which is probably not working and Mary Kay mint energizing lotion which feels sooooo refreshing after a long day.

Emotions: Mostly lethargic and weepy. Some guy stuck his tongue out at me on the road the other day and I could hardly answer the phone when I got to work because it hurt my feelings. Haha, really? My coworker seems to think I'm going soft because the baby is sucking the evil out of me.

YAY

Haaaaaaaay guys.

It feels like forever since I have updated my blog. Oh it’s been since February so I guess it has been forever. Two months is the definition of forever, in case you were wondering.

So most of you already know that I've got a bun in the oven but in case you didn't…well, now you know.

It’s been a crazy mix of emotions every day. Having babies was honestly something I always knew I wanted but never felt ready for (still don’t feel ready by the way). I have always thought that I would reach this magical destination where I was mature enough to be all like, “Of course I know what a 401K is. That must mean I‘m ready for children.”

If I’m completely honest, I’ll tell you that it wasn't something I was planning on at this time in my life. Yes, I know how babies are made so don’t snidely ask me. Regardless of what precautions we were taking (or not so much taking) it still wasn't something we were expecting.

Planned or not, the minute that little line showed up on my pregnancy test I was filled with equal parts panic and elation.

To be honest, I didn't even think I was pregnant. Every month I thought I was pregnant (mostly because of previously stated lack of precaution) and I had wasted lots of money on pregnancy tests bought in a blind panic. This particular month, however, I felt no such panic, or foreboding on the matter. I took a test just as a joke. To laugh at myself for always expecting pregnancy. So I peed on an extra stick I had lying around and this is what I got.

Hello little positive line.

Like I said. I was filled with equal parts panic and elation. The panic was mostly shouting, “What the HELL?!” Whereas the elation was already buying baby clothes and remembering those little catchers mitts it had seen at the store the other day.

I texted Ryan, who was fishing at the time, that I really, REALLY needed to talk to him. Pregnancy tests can be wrong, right? I needed to take a second one just to be sure. Ryan finally replied and I texted him something unintelligent like, “Um, I just took a pregnancy test and it’s positive.” To which he replied, “Yay!”  We're super good communicators.

I rushed back to work (cause I had been on my lunch break) and came in a little late after buying my second test. As I waited for my results, I started to realize that I was worried it was going to be negative. Worried. To my instant relief, that little positive line popped up like a teeny tiny high five. I realized in that moment that I was going to be okay. Four weeks pregnant and I already felt an overwhelming amount of love for the itty bitty parasite inside me.

The panic disappeared for a moment and allowed my elation to take over allowing me to fantasize about all the new changes about to take place.

After I went home Ryan helped me realize even more how exciting things were. Despite our riveting text conversation, Ryan has been so amazing. Not like he wasn't amazing before, but it’s been nice having him be so excited. He’s been there through the nausea, the poop problems, the fatigue, the panic attacks (yeah the panic came back), and crazy demon hormonies that possess me every once in awhile. He’s been an absolute angel. So understanding, and attentive. Things have been rough for me these past couple of months. Not necessarily with the pregnancy (although that has been kind of suckville), just with my own personal life. Ryan has been a rock through all of it. He’s never left my side and I can’t even tell you how much we’ve grown from all of this. Big changes are coming, and we both know that. But despite all the area’s in which we are lacking, I think we were ready for this. We don’t have a dime to our name, but we’re ready for this step.

Anyway, now on to the complaining. I know a lot of women find pregnancy magical and wonderful but my current impression is…not…that. I’ve been mostly nauseated and less throw-upy which I really do thank my lucky stars for. I pretty much wept at the doctors office so I could get zofran. I HAVE to work and I wasn’t going to get up every morning ready to kill myself. Everyone will give you the advice of snacking throughout the day, eat crackers, toast, blah, blah, blah. Well I can’t, because I’m gluten intolerant. Which leads me to my next complaint.

Gluten Intolerance. I utter those two words with spitting anger and disgust. When you’re pregnant, and ready to heave, what do you eat knowing that gluten will make it worse? For awhile I tried just throwing caution to the wind and eating gluten. I tell you my friends, I have paid a very heavy price. I would eat top ramen and my entire stomach would churn in protest. I went days without pooping. Not only does pregnancy block you up, but so does zofran, and now so was my gluten intolerance. So on top of the incredibly annoying nausea, I now also had horrible, HORRIBLE cramping. I tried to fight through it because, what else will I eat? What do I eat?! I used to panic when I’d get hungry because the longer I went, the more nauseated I became and everything that was gluten free made me want to toss my cookies. My swearing got worse. My cramps got worse. I started to worry that I was hurting the baby.

Finally, I sucked it up. I invested in some gluten free bread (that’s $5 for a tiny loaf no joke), got some canned fruits, and gluten free cereal. Things are a little better although now I have to talk myself into liking the things I have to eat. I’m not entirely gluten free. Every once in a while I’ll give in but mostly because I’m hungry and too tired to put more effort into a meal.

Now I know that my pregnancy experience is not the worst one there is. I am very lucky that I have been able to work without too many issues. I have also been able to take myself on a couple walks, although I desperately miss the gym. I lost 20 lbs before I got pregnant which I believe was a big factor in me getting pregnant in the first place. A healthier body means more hospitable environment ;). Once I feel better I plan on going back. I really wish it was easier for me to have a healthier pregnancy. Not like I’m eating a lot of candy and fried foods (gag) I just don’t eat like I used to. I ate tons of fruits and vegetables throughout the week and now they make me feel sick. I’m counting on all this going away soon so I can go back to the way things were.

Speaking of weight, I LOVE the baby bump. It is by far the cutest thing about my body. I've never been so excited about getting fat. I don’t even try to suck in anymore. Let that bump breathe! It’s so fun having a pregnant belly. I was just about to post a picture of me with the small bump and then I remembered my post about chicks that post when you can't even see it and thought better of that decision. I mean, I swear you can see it, but since I'm already sort of overweight it mostly looks like my original fatty. Anyway, I'm going to support my own opinion and not post a preggy pic till you can see the baby bump.

Well kids, I really have so much more to post but I’m exhausted. I love you guys. I hope you’re all excited as we are.

Painting with Words

Breath in

Breath out

Count to 10

....count to 10 again

It's been a bit of a stressful day. Fortunately I just got home from the gym where I sweat away the swear words.

I've been thinking about what to write about. Everything is the same with me, with my health. I still struggle eating right. I had 6 packs of sixlets which adds up to 48 sixlets. I don't even like sixlets. Yet there I was cramming sixlets into my mouth like a crazy person .

In other news I need a new job. Even though I love the people I work with, it ain't goin no where. I have no place to move up to, no room to grow. I have no motivation to do better because what does it matter. Not only that but, uh, no my dream has never been filing paper or working from 8:00 to 5:00. I understand that some loser out there is going to tell me that I need to "pay my dues" but,
A. gag me and
B. why am I paying dues at a company I can never move up in?

Pointless.

The other dumb thing is that I keep looking for secretary jobs like that's something I want to do. So today I started looking at other options. This blog for example. I could make money off doing this. I really do love writing so why the hell not?

I also looked up free lance writing gigs on Craigslist. Everyone wants sports writers. Why do we need sports writers? The only thing worse than watching sports is listening to people talk about them. I can't even imagine how painful it must be to READ about sports. Ugg...

Needless to say, there's not much. Also, I was unaware that Sacramento was in such a great need of topless models. Or party girls? Come on, is that really a talent?

Good job Craigslist. Keepin it classy.

Anyway, if you guys know of anything that might be a good fit for me, send me a lovely little message.

You know I've always been much better at expressing myself in writing than in person. I'm much cooler in writing than in person. I've tried getting into Instagram and its just not the same. I'm lost in a visual world. I try and take pictures of the things I see but they never quite describe the way I feel. Only writing can do that.

Driving home today the sky was so open and glorious. A jet stream lay across the sky, illuminated by the midday sun. Warmth burned at the edges of my chest as a hawk flew high above me. I ached with a sort of wrenching contentment as the moment passed and I realized the rest of my day would be spent at a desk.

*sigh*

I could have posted a picture of that but it wouldn't have communicated much. I heard a quote once, not sure who its by that said, "We read to know we are not alone." That's never been more true for me. And I hope that as I continue to write that I can be that for someone else.

Love.