Full Term Blues

Hey kids. 37 weeks have come and almost gone and everything is about to change. It's crazy how throughout this whole pregnancy I've felt like everyday I've changed. New weight has been added to my shoulders with the sobering thought that this tiny human depends on me. Although I am anxious to meet this miraculous human being who has been a part of me for almost 9 months, I have found myself occasionally mourning all the selfish things I'll be losing.

I've really valued my independence knowing that it will soon be lost. I remember when I got married I didn't realize how much of it I would be giving up. It was a rough transition for me having to answer to another person. Once I got over it though, I really appreciated that Ryan cared so much about my safety or where I was.

Speaking of Ryan,

I've absolutely loved the time we've been able to spend together. We've had so many good talks and hilarious fun these past 37 weeks. 

Here we are looking fat and sassy at Apple Hill. Mostly me anyways :) 

Here's the saddest pumpkin patch I've ever seen. Also at Apple Hill.

There have, of course, been tough times but looking back I will always remember these times fondly. He's been so excited about being a dad. It's like I'm seeing a whole different side of him.

Penny has been my buddy, as usual, during the whole pregnancy. 

Hanging out with me during the nausea, walking slow with me on our walks. She's just the best dog. I wish I could give her a heads up somehow about the baby. I don't plan on ignoring her, but there will be a transition period that she'll have to get used to.

I fear a lot in life. The number one thing I hate about myself is that I let it drive me a lot more than anything else. Maybe my fight or flight instinct is just stronger than others because often times I'll find myself feeling like a deer caught in the middle of the road. Despite the idea that my fear drives me, I will give myself props for determination. I fail, I own it, and I can try again. Even if I fear failure I try not to think of it as the end (the key word being try). Even through my whole journey to become a healthier person there have been struggles. Those times have been enormously hard for me to admit to you guys, especially since I know it deters people from reading, but I admit them anyways. Everyone understands set backs or perceived failures. Why wouldn't I admit to it? It's common and relatable.

I think even harder than admitting I've failed at my fitness and health goals, it's been even harder for me to admit how terrified I am of being a parent. I believe a lot of other people feel this way but for some reason we shove it aside or ignore it like it doesn't affect us. This has been on my mind every second of every day as my delivery date gets closer. What if I fail? What if I don't bond with my baby? What if I hate being a mother? What does that say about me?

There have been many nights that all my prayers consist of is, "Please, Lord, help because I don't even know where to begin."

I still fear. But I've realized that, yes, all of those things could happen. There could be days I really hate being a mother. There could be days I seriously FAIL at being a parent. There is even a chance that bonding with my baby could take a while. So what DOES that say about me?

It says I'm normal. One thing I know about myself, like I said earlier, is that I am persistent and determined. I allow myself times of sorrow or grief but I am great at picking myself back up. I may have bloody knees but I'll cross the finish line. For those of you who know my personal struggles well, you know that even some of the hardest punches haven't kept me down. I am entirely capable of handling the hard times. I think the biggest joy I've received from this blog is connecting with others through these hard times. I hope somehow, some other new mom out there can read this and realize that she's not alone in feeling this way. In a lot of ways I say this to myself, but to all of you new parents, or even someone just struggling with a huge transition in their lives, trust in the Lord. And trust that the Lord knows you're capable. Sometimes knowing that the Lord believes in me as much as I believe in him is more comforting to me than just saying that 'I have faith that this will work out'.

Now that I've completely split my soul open and prostrated it on the Internet, let me also say that I AM excited for baby to come. We decided to name her Elliana Faire Powell. Faire is Ryan's grandma's name but the name Elliana also has an interesting story. Ryan and I saw an artist on Pandora who had the name and we both agreed we liked it. Later, I mentioned the name to Ryan's mom, Cindy, who told me that if she had ever had a girl that was what she was going to name her. Crazy, right? Elliana was meant to be in the family. My favorite discovery was looking up the name meaning. The name Elliana translated in Hebrew literally means, "My God has answered me." Every time I read that I cry. I wish you all could understand how true that comment is. I probably don't even realize myself how much of an answer to prayer this little girl
will be. Without even knowing it, we named her perfectly.

Alright, alright. Now on to less emotional updates. You guys ready?

Week 36-37

Weight Gain: 28 lbs give or take. I'm pretty proud and I'm definitely ready to not have a belly any more. I genuinely feel excited about losing weight. I was on such a roll before I got preggers so I'm hoping to pick up right where I left off. Pray that breastfeeding goes smoothly, not just for baby, but for all MY selfish reasons :) I know it helps with getting everything back to its proper position soooo...fingers crossed!

Cravings: Two days ago after having three slices of french toast I was super craving In 'N Out. It was way too much food but that's okay. It was DELICIOUS. I've also had really strong cravings for Starbucks hot chocolate which I've only satiated twice so far. Other than those two everything is pretty normal.

Progress: Now that I'm full term or to term or whatever we're supposed to say these days, I'll be talking about my progress instead of 'symtpoms'. I went to the doctors office this Tuesday and found out I'm 1 cm dilated and 30% effaced. Ryan is POSITIVE she's coming this weekend but I still feel like she's got plenty of time to cook. Really, this kind of progress means nothing unless your water breaks or you're having consistent contractions and I haven't had either of those happen yet. I have had an increase in Braxton hicks which, weirdly, I'm grateful for because I haven't had a whole lot before this. Baby has also dropped which is great for my lungs and killer for my pelvis. Sometimes it feels as if she's trying to push her way out of me already. I'll feel all this pressure moving downwards like all my innards are going to just drop out. It's a very unnerving feeling. In addition to that she's been hitting a nerve somewhere that sends this super scary shooting sensation up my stomach. At first I thought it was my ab muscles splitting or something but after talking to my doctor, she informed me that if my abs were actually splitting that I would be in a LOT more pain. I felt pretty dumb after that for thinking it was my abs. I even told a bunch of people it was my abs splitting. So if I told you that...it was a big fat lie. Ha. Oops!

Emotionally: I feel all over the place. Lots of good feelings. Lots of scary feelings. Right now I'm just going to take it a day at a time and try to enjoy.

Thanks to everyone that shared their birth stories by the way. It was such a joy reading all of your experiences. Also, if anyone else wants to send me some last minute birth stories I would super appreciate it. I'm eating them up right now so send them my way! If you need my email refer to my last blog post :)