Birth Story

Hey all! So it's taken me a while to post this. I wrote it about three weeks after my beautiful Ellie was born. There was a part of me that felt like this story was too sacred to me to share over the Internet. Then I read it again and realized how much I've learned and how much I want to share with all of you. I feel like each week I learn more and morph into this new person I never knew I could become. I feel so overwhelmed by what a blessing my baby is. A strange and wonderful blessing and challenge all rolled into one. Tomorrow is her blessing day and with all the hopes and dreams I have for her brewing on the horizon I am overwhelmed by how much I love her for exactly the way she is. She is God's wonderful child entrusted to me and I can't imagine anything more perfect. 

So in honor of her blessing day, enjoy the story of Elliana's birth: 

November 15th 2013 everything changed. It was a crazy, crazy day and it's been just a whirlwind of emotions since then. It's hard to describe all the feelings of terror and joy that I have experienced these past two plus weeks. I'm going to do my best to give you a snap shot of Ellie's birthday. The whole experience was nothing that I thought it would be. Worse in some ways, and celestial in others. So, let me start at the beginning. 

At around 9:30 pm November 14th I started having semi-consistent contractions. I wasn't reading too much into it because I was sure she was going to wait forever. Ryan, however, got really excited. As they got stronger I became more of a believer. I sent him to bed I did some laboring on my own. Around 1:00 am I woke him up and told him to start getting ready. We headed off to the hospital with all our junk in the car. Modest Mouse, World at Large came on and for some reason it really calmed me down. I will always associate that song with that night. That awesome, depressing song. 

Moving on, we arrived at the hospital. I asked to get a wheel chair as the contractions were getting worse to which the nurse replied, "Walking is better!" Um, how about I punch you in the throat? Hmm? She was right, of course, but keep your judgmental mouth closed.

Oh yeah, I'm giving you every nitty gritty detail. So strap in kids. 

They put me in one of their rooms to try and started doing tests. My contractions were weird. They were sometimes 3 minutes apart, sometimes 8 minutes apart. The nurse checked me and I was still dilated to 1 cm. What? 1 cm? I was so disappointed! My pain had really picked up by now so she made us a deal. If I was dilated to a 2 by the end of the hour we could stay. I struggled through more weirdly spaced contractions for an hour and when she checked me there was still no progress. Little did I know, that would be the theme of the night. She was about to call the doctor to send me home with pain medication when there was a sudden dip in my baby's heart rate. She said we would have to stay for another hour to make sure baby was okay. Honestly, even though I was worried for my baby, I was so grateful that we got to stay. I was devastated at the thought of going home in that much pain. 

At around 4 AM I suddenly understood. I FINALLY understood how hard it is to deal with contractions. Honestly, they felt like period pains which I wasn't expecting for some reason. I've had several women tell me that's what they felt like but for some weird reason I expected it to be different. And the pain isn't really what got to me. Contractions are all a mind game because one minute you're doubled over, and the next you're laughing at a joke someone told. Once things picked up a little though, I was so exhausted that there didn't seem to be any relief during the breaks. Another thing I didn't expect was to feel sick like I do when I'm on my period. And not throw up sick. Poopy sick. It was not pleasant. 

5:30 I got a new nurse which I was super happy about. She finally treated me like I wasn't another crazy pregnant lady who 'thought' she was in labor. She kindly admitted us to a delivery room and gave me some temporary pain meds while we monitored baby. An hour later the Doctor came in and checked me. I was finally dilated to a 2 but that wasn't enough still. She said the only way she would keep me was if I went on pitocin to speed things up. Now, if you read my birth plan, I did NOT want pitocin. I was so afraid that it would lead to a c-section so I immediately told her that I wasn't interested. 

"Then I don't know if we can keep you." She said. 

My new nurse, who I will forever love, stood up for me saying, "She's obviously in labor, there's no reason to send her home." 

The doctor, unprofessionally snapped at the nurse about how I needed to speed things up. Reluctantly, she decided to keep me for another hour to see where I was at. I quietly thanked the nurse for speaking up after the doctor left the room.. Luckily there was another doctor coming on duty at the end of the hour so we didn't have to deal with that piece of crap lady any more. 

Around 7 we got another nurse who decided to check and see if my water had broken. I had felt very small trickles all day but nobody really believed that anything had happened. They have this small green piece of paper that they swipe down in your bidniss (it's a word. look it up) and it detects whether or not you're leaking amniotic fluid. I had had at least three tests that day and all were negative so finally my new nurse pulled out the big guns. It was a super painful test that made me want to punch faces in but it indeed confirmed that my water had broken. YAY! That meant that I HAD to be admitted no matter what.

Unfortunately, when my new doctor came in, she said I was still at a 2. I started walking the hospital again. I even got in a bath which was amazing. It helped with the pain so much. I really did not want to be put on pitocin. My goal was to labor until I was at 5 or 6 centimeters and then get an epidural. 

Another hour or so passed and the nurse checked me. We waited for her response our fingers crossed. 

I was only at a 3. 

Disappointment flooded me again. I had labored on my own for 15 hours with such little progress. The monotony of the pain started to play with my mind. I couldn't imagine laboring for longer without some kind of help. So I finally consented and got an epidural. I really tried hard, guys. I did everything I could to avoid getting an epidural so early. 

I will say though, the epidural felt SUBLIME. I was so terrified to get it, with good reason of course, but the only thing that sucked was the shot they give you to numb the area. It was so painful. It felt like someone lit my back on fire. It didn't last long, but it was enough. 

A couple hours later the doctor came in and checked me again. She said I was still at a 3 and even that was pushing it. I decided to go on pitocin since I really couldn't do anything myself to speed up labor anymore being stuck in the hospital bed. And with the epidural, I couldn't feel anything anyway. Honestly, it had been such a long labor with such little progress that I couldn't think of anything else to do. 

A few hours later on pitocin I still had not progressed. At all. Nothing. Zip. Zilch. The doctor said it might be that my pelvis wasn't big enough for the baby and she recommended a c-section. I immediately got defensive. 

"My body can do this. Just give me more time." 

One more hour passed. Still no progress. Getting a c-section seemed inevitable. I was crushed. So far, every single thing I wanted to avoid during labor had happened. I had also watched a c-section on youtube and I was terrified. Absolutely, and completely mortified. Once I finally consented to a c-section, Ryan helped console me. He helped me realize that everything was going to be ok. Baby was going to be here soon and if we didn't get to her, she might not survive. 

Ryan was amazing by the way. He was my rock. Going into labor, I knew how hard it would probably be for him to see me in so much pain. Its never easy to watch those you love suffer. But he handled it like a champ. He was so supportive of every decision and helped me see the light at the end of every dark tunnel we hit that day. He was absolutely perfect. Held my hand, made me feel strong, helped me keep perspective. Amazing. 

Once I consented to the c-section everything happened so quickly. Her heart rate took another dip and I was raced into the surgery room. They started pumping me full of more pain meds and other drugs. The anesthesiologist was awesome. He kept me updated on everything that was happening. I was still terrified and probably would be if I had to do it again. I felt everything that was happening. There was no pain, of course, but I knew that they were cutting into me. I felt when they pulled her out of me. 

When I heard her cry I started to cry and all the fear washed away. I turned to Ryan with tears in my eyes and said, "I know that voice!"

He got the first view of her little body and we shared a tearful laugh as he said, "She's got your feet!" (I've got really flexible toes with lots of gaps) 

She was placed on my chest and I was amazed at how beautiful she was. I don't know why it was so amazing to me. I just couldn't believe how stunning and GORGEOUS she was. She had a little bit of a cone head and the doctors informed us that she had had the chord wrapped around her neck twice. She was trying so hard to come but just couldn't get any further. I finally felt better about having a c-section. Even though it was just the absolute worst case scenario in my mind, it needed to happen. Who knows what would have happened if I had been stubborn and labored for longer. 

Anyway, the nurse helped me breastfeed and after about a half hour or so, they took her and gave her a bath. She absolutely hated the bath. Still hates baths, although I have a theory that it's because our house is so cold. Poor kid. 

Recovery was scary. I was in so much pain after my epidural wore off. Every movement felt like fire even with the heavy painkillers they were giving me. The first time I went to the bathroom was horrendous. The nurse had to help me do basically everything and it was as if my body had forgotten how to pee. They also kept pushing me to get up and walk around. I could barely get out of bed, let alone walk around the stupid hospital. I remember the first time Ryan helped walk me around the halls. I got back to my bed and thought, "How the hell am I going to be able to take care of a baby on my own?" 

Well luckily I had a lot of help. Ryan was there, Cindy was there, and my mom even came out for a few days. I was never on my own for that first week or so of her life which I was so grateful for. Each day it got better. It's still sore now but I can definitely do it all on my own. I have to be careful how I get out of bed or how I pick something up, but for the most part I feel pretty confident that I can take care of my kid. It's been a slow process and I still have to be patient. My body is adjusting to everything. I must say, even with my scar (which isn't bad at all), and my stretch marks, I feel like I look fantastic. It must be the whole lack of a giant belly thing. I'm 186 lbs which is definitely not ideal, but I don't even care. 186 lbs never looked better on me. See? 

2 Weeks Postpartum 

So now that baby and I have been on our own for a little bit now I've complied two lists. A list of things I love about taking care of a newborn and a list of things I'd rather do without. So here's the bad first. 

10 Things I'd Rather Do Without

*disclaimer* None of these mean I don't love my baby. 

*disclaimer #2* Sorry if you're a man and you're reading some of these. 

1. The whole waking up every couple hours thing. Much like contractions, it's a bit of a mind game. I'm afraid of going to sleep because I know that soon I'll have to get up.

2. Napping when she's napping. Uggggggggg...I HATE napping. Also, refer to number 1. 

3. The crying. It doesn't bother so much that she is crying. That's her only way of telling me she needs something. What I hate is when there is literally nothing I can do for her. Makes me feel helpless.

4. Gas pains. This poor kid has all sorts of gas pains. 

5. The fact that apparently the first 6 weeks of life are hell. Everyone talks about newborns being difficult but nobody mentions the whole '3-6 weeks are going to suck big time' thing until AFTER you've had your baby. Thanks for the heads up, moms! You're all a bunch of selfish secret keepers. And, of course, there's nothing you can really do about it. You just have to deal. 

6. Mood swings. Baby blues. I don't really want to go into this. Just know that I hate it.

7. Leaky/sore boobs. I did not realize how much my boobs would leak. For the first week, I felt like a monster. I giant hulking milk monster. Not only that, but breast milk is sticky. Like, soda on the floor of your car sticky. It's just the worst. And the soreness sucks, but for some reason I don't mind it nearly as much as I do the leaky boobs. 

8. Wearing pads again. Here, strap a massive piece of cotton between your legs. It'll feel great! 

9. How much I worry about her. Now, this isn't really something I'd rather do without but it can be terribly debilitating. I'm getting better but for the first week or so of her life sleeping was nearly impossible. I was so afraid she was going to die. I felt like I had to watch her every move so my sleep was very light and when she DID move or make even the slightest sound, I was instantly wide awake and very worried. 

10. Recovery has been really hard on me. Sometimes I wanted to just step out the door and go for a walk or even just be able to pick up my baby without pain. It's better now, but in the beginning I shed many tears about it. 

Okay, here are: 

10 Things I Absolutely Love

1. Her gassy/sleepy smiles. She even giggles in her sleep sometimes. 

2. Breastfeeding. I NEVER thought I would like breastfeeding. I've definitely had some ups and downs with the whole thing but I love it so much. I thought I would feel so weird about it but the minute I started breastfeeding her it just made sense. Of COURSE I'm going to feed my baby. Why wouldn't I? 

3. Her hungry face. I must be the meanest mom because sometimes I will wait to feed her, only for a second or two, just because I love that desperately little face. It's so hilarious. I know, I'm the worst. 

4. When she falls asleep on my chest. Nothing feels better. 

5. The fact that when she's upset, she wants me. Nobody else. 

6. How much closer it's brought Ryan and I. We've had some tough days, but I feel that overall, this whole experience has brought us so close together. My love for him just explodes every day. I just can't believe we made this beautiful individual who we get to screw up in our own special way. 

7. As superficial as it is, I love having a newborn because it means I'm not pregnant anymore. No more heartburn, I can sleep in any position I want (almost), I can hug my husband without turning my belly to the side. My body is my own. I can start jogging again! I can get in a hot tub if I want. It's sublime. 

8. I love the way Ellie and her daddy both fall asleep with their mouths open. 

9. I love how concerned Penny is for the baby. To Penny the baby is still off limits, but she genuinely gets concerned when she starts crying. This morning while I was in the shower, Ellie woke up. She wasn't crying or anything, just awake. Penny went by the door and stood there the whole time. When I got out I said, "Is the baby ok?" She kind of nosed the door trying to check for me. Such a good pup. 

10. I love how much closer to God I've felt. I rely on Him so much. I couldn't do this without His help. Ryan and I have been so blessed lately it's insane. Things aren't easier by any means but I feel all this strength. Sometimes it doesn't come from the Lord or from me. Sometimes the strength comes from others like Ryan, or my sisters, or my two moms, or even a friend. I feel so lucky. I feel gratitude so much more. As hard as things are, I've never felt better. 

Anyway, I'll close things up for now. Baby is awake again and dad is home. I hope this brought you all some joy or even some insight into what it's like to have a newborn. If you are a new mom or about to be a new mom please don't hesitate to email or contact me. This isn't easy and even if I can't help, sometimes it's nice to know you're not alone. Also, for any of you veteran moms, any tips on how you survived the first 6 weeks would be awesome. 

You guys want some pictures?

First night with my baby cakes

Cuddles with dad

Cuddles with mom

Some of the first sleepy smiles 

Wide awake!

Thanksgiving Day 

Getting our Christmas tree

Silly morning faces 

Big smiles at only 3 weeks 

My sweetie at 5 weeks 

These were taken with my new camera I got for Christmas. So happy to have high quality pictures to capture my cute kid.

Sweet heart

Nothing more important to me. 

I hope you enjoyed the blog today :)