"There's always tomorrow," I thought as I shoved a tenth vanilla Oreo in my mouth. I plucked my diet Pepsi out if the fridge and headed for the couch all the while knowing that my only motivation to get up any time soon would be to get another Oreo.
Obviously, I was stressed. Who wouldn't be? A new baby, Ryan's new job, the loss of a car, new bills, and a semi broken dog.
The only thing that makes it better is baby. She, coincidentally, is also the thing that causes more stress. Never have I felt such a war of emotions. Sometimes I just need a break from being needed. But the minute I step out the door, I miss her.
I've decided that being a mom is a 24/7 job, where you're always on call, and your boss yells at you a lot. Of course, the upside is that your boss is a really tiny cute version of yourself or your partner, so that's nice
In all reality, I can't even describe how much I love my kid. Things seem challenging at times, but there's no place I'd rather be. Going places isn't the same unless she's there to share it with. And I know she doesn't really know what's going on, but it doesn't matter. She's my family. My whole world.
So, having said that, I kind of want to address something. I feel that with having a baby you gain so much. But amidst all the wonderful heavenly blessings there is also a great deal of loss.
It hit me tonight like a ton of bricks. This is my life. It's not necessarily a bad life. But you really don't get to transition into motherhood. The minute this new person enters your life you are needed. Needed in a way that no other person can really fulfill. It's overwhelming. Maybe even debilitating. For all your kid knows, you're the best mom in the world, but to your overworked and overtired brain, you feel you're floundering to keep up.
It's been almost three months since I first held my baby in my arms. I've learned so much about my own life, specifically about failure. I've always believed that failing doesn't make you a failure. It doesn't mean you've "failed". As long as you clear the dust and the darkness from your mind and keep going, you haven't yet failed. Failure is a grave we dig ourselves by giving up and shutting down. You have only failed when you stop believing you're capable of change.
So what, you might ask, does all this fluffy positivity have to do with me? Well, I'll tell you.
I still have dreams. For some reason I thought they would alter when I had my baby but they didn't. They've been squatting in my heart like a tenant that won't move out. I still want to run a marathon. I want to make this whole blogging thing something more than just an update for my family. I want to be able to influence people. I think I have that potential even with all my stupid opinions and awkwardness.
In an attempt to finally reach my goals that I've had for years I am, once again, inviting you to join me in my quest. We'll be taking apart the pieces and putting them back together! We'll be stripping it down and putting it back up! We'll be wrecking it and fixing it!
I have no idea what I'm saying anymore. ANYWAY, today, my friends, is the beginning of the end....of the first beginning.
Ok, I'm done. JOIN ME...on this crazy train to a healthier-
Ok, seriously? Why can't I end this without it sounding cheesy?
I hope you read my blog cause it's gonna kick some asses.
Does the profanity help? I feel weird about the plural spelling of ass. For some reason I feel like it should be "ass's" but that's DEFINITELY not right. Cause that means that the ass owns something? Cause it's the ownership with the apostrophe..thingy?
We've turned down a road and I don't know how we got here. Alright, u-turn, 5 miles later:
I hope if anything to inspire someone. Help someone. After all, we're all together in this war of overcoming and conquering ourselves. So gear up! And watch me conquer on the battlefield.
...so cheesy.
Till next time.
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