Day 21, 22 and 23

Hey everyone,

Okay, this will be a bit of a quicky. In fact it's more of a confession.

*Sigh* Okay here it goes...

My name is Sally...and I'm a food addict.

I think about it all the time. I eat things in secret. I eat sugary or fatty foods and feel terribly ashamed about it. Each time I eat is like it's own little individual relapse filled with guilt and shame like I'm shooting up or something.

These past few days I've avoided posting because I've found myself obsessing over what I eat. I didn't even start this whole thing as a way to lose weight but in starting it I realized that I cannot continue eating what I eat and run a marathon effectively.

I tried to deny this fact for awhile. I tried to pretend it didn't matter or that it was irrelevant and then reality hit me. I have to figure this out.

Member how I talked about how I thought Weight Watchers was probably the most effect way to lose weight but I didn't want to join cause I'm poor? Well buckle up.

http://myfitnesspal.com/

It's a free calorie counter. As I first started to use it I kind of wanted to shoot myself in the head. I already think about food all day long anyway so how is logging what I eat going to cure me of that? Well, I'm not entirely sure, but now that I'm used to it, I believe it creates a positive relationship with food because if you're doing well and you see that you're staying in your goal, you're more likely to continue. For example: I signed up for a goal to lose two pounds a week so I'm eating 1200 calories a day. Since I exercised this morning it gave me room to eat a little somethin', somethin' extra which takes such a load off my mind when all I can think about is going without certain foods forever. For all of you who don't think about food every second of the day, I just want you to imagine what it must be like to always be thinking about food. And every time you think or even EAT food you feel terrible. Guilty, shameful. Like you're squished cockroach that's still twitching.

It's awful and I've had this problem since I was a little girl. But, that doesn't mean I can't beat it. I must say, I am less confident in myself in conquering this problem. But admitting it is the first step and I only need to take it one day at a time.

This is me recognizing that this rules my life and it has ruled every decision I have made since I was young. "I can't do that. I'm too fat." "They won't like me because I'm fat." "Whatever, she just hates me cause I'm fat."

All thoughts that have gone through my head. I'm sure a lot of people know exactly the inner dialogue that I'm talking about. But you know, this journey I've started is my journey to freedom. Freedom from all the craziness, inside and out. The best thing about this blog is that it has provided me with this sense of accountability to all of you. I have something to look forward to after a run. I get excited to let you all know that I'm succeeding and in any addiction program you'll find that the support and accountability you have to others is a big help in getting over the addiction.

So here I am. Ready to change. I feel like this post is a little disorganized but I don't care. I just need to get some word vomit out. I think that this has become phase 2 of my journey to freedom and it will likely be the hardest thing I've ever done.

Welcome to Phase 2 guys.

Running song of the day: